How to give a cat a pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand.As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe.Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat.Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.Get another
pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.Toss back
another shot.Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bas**rd's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye.Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand.As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe.Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat.Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.Get another
pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.Toss back
another shot.Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bas**rd's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye.Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
